remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
