You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I smell like Dick and happiness
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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