So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
