my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
