just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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