to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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