We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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