okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
