kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's always time for handjobs
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
