I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
