Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
