there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize