im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize