I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
