Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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