at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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