I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
