Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
