Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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