there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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