Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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