My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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