I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
