guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize