The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
