My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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