Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
