I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
