Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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