you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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