3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
