I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
