I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
