Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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