i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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