I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
