Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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