nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
