I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
