Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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