she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
