Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
