This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
