We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Randomize
