Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
