If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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