its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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