I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
