just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Randomize
