When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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