I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
