I feel great
I just peed on a car
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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