i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
