i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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