i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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