I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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