Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
