Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize